[0] is the Past

Sorry for the rant a while ago. But take note of it. If I become cold to you guys once in a while, just remember that one of you may have transgressed my request in that rant. It may be a rant, but all of my rants hold meaning and significance.

I'm still here in the dorm. 12:27 am as of writing. Marj is asleep. Arvin and Rey are beside me, playing an 80s radio. Ah, good old times. I used to listen to those songs 10 years ago. Such nostalgic days.

If you think that I've finally regressed into thinking that I'm useless, think again. Sir James Mejia told me that I have potential to be Corps Commander. I can't save humanity yet, but reaching this goal will be my most exciting challenge yet. If I could discipline myself and 238 people, then my dream may not be that far-fetched after all.

All throughout my life, I have worked hard to get to my place now.

I left sleep to work.
I left family to study.
I left friends to achieve goals.

And when I came back, I was not seen or heard.
My efforts were not recognized.
Nor was I given a "Congratulations."
Nor was I fully appreciated for my sacrifices.

Then I realized, this was vanity and grasping for the wind.

For who reaps what I sow?
No one, for no one gives a care.
Who thanks for a mended cloth?
No one, for all are carried away with their lives.

And I realized, there is no profit under the sun.

I have gained much knowledge.
I have gained much wisdom.
But knowing all of this causes grief and sorrow.
For you will realize that the world is twisted.

I will die like a sinner.
For I will return to dust as a sinner
Even for I, who is in wisdom's wing.
I will die like all shall die.

And so all in all, despite my efforts, I am unseen.
I am despised for the little things I do.
For men have become blinded.
Blinded to the good presented to them

For men have been blinded to the help given to them.
Blinded by want.
Blinded by greed.
Blinded by misunderstanding.

What I wanted to be good, nothing came out.
For people were too different, or I was too different.
My ways are not theirs, for my ways are of the old.
A time when morals were priority.
And friendship and family was treasured.

I warn you now, o reader.
Be wary of your actions to me.
For I shall shun the world, shun the system.
And help you all.

Even if you ridicule me.
Even if you torture me.
Even if you kill me.
Your suffering shall be mine.

And I shall give that suffering upon the Lord.
I will do this for your salvation, for I love humanity.
And I love God.

In exchange, I only ask one thing.
For Jesus Christ said, Love others as you had loved me.
And may I be shunned, but I ask you, love others.
Love me not, if you wish. Just please, as a final wish before I allow myself to be consumed by your suffering, to love others.

Show me that my suffering is worth it.

Show me that humanity is worth redeeming.

Even if you just listen to the Italian parts:

Random title. I should probably read some more H. P. Lovecraft stories.

This week was awesome! Not only do I finally get to go home, but we managed to get 1st place in the Paskorus! That is the ONLY Paskorus that I've felt winning. Still though, one needs to look back and say thanks. Thanks to one's friends. Thanks to Ma'am Kiel. Thanks to all the support. And of course, thanks to God.

"Walang malas, walang swerte. Lahat bigay ng Dios! Salamat sa Dios!"

Nothing, of course, is without it's share of rocky roads. Here's the view of the road I had to traverse in order to get to this success.
( This is highly bitchy. Read if you want to. )
Once again, I'd like to thank the whole of Strontium for this "mess". It was worth it.

Brandy-soaked fruitcakes:



Now, if you excuse me, I'll be getting drunk now. (My parents have Gran Matador hidden in their room.) =))

1) Witch of Occultics (Ayumu)God, Witches, Forbidden rituals, and Miracles.

2) Arrival of Tears (Ayane)Fighting destiny, fighting the world, fighting the present, hope, and creating the future.

3) Ready, Go! (Naomi Tamura)

The Witch of Occultics

Scattered in this world are those who your senses are blind to
Incorporeal observers complete the omniscience
The pendulum that swings back and forth has a slightly impure motive
The fruit of the Tree of Life fell onto the soil

Like magic, with the tip of a brush drawing circles, if you fulfill
This unnatural and insane ceremony, then you’ll deny the entire world

Illuminato, it’s exactly as if “it” sees through everything
Ridiculing you with an insolent power and brimming with bliss
Illuminato, with a disturbing depiction, enough so to “flaunt” itself
The omniscient power is overthrown and it peels and falls off
Into a [contrived miracle]————

In the closed secret society, a rite of passage was born there
The coveted witch is a rational taboo of illusion
The pale horses race, forgiving the pseudepigrapha
In the elegant wind, there’s the dance of the greater butterflies

Like magic, with a wave of the tip of the wand, if the dizzying abnormalities
That resembled nightmares control you, then you’ll deny the entire future

Illuminato, when you revered “it” as an occult in the past
It enveloped you with an immense love and produced a gospel
Illuminato, if a “miracle” that you can’t see is inconvenient
Then very few keys are guiding us
To the [theory of everything]————

Illuminato, it’s exactly as if “it” sees through everything
Ridiculing you with an insolent power and brimming with bliss
Illuminato, with a disturbing depiction, enough so to “flaunt” itself
The omniscient power is overthown and it peels and falls off
Into a [contrived miracle]————

To the [miracle that becomes zero]————

English Haikus

War Thoughts
Mushroom-cloud of sky
Strolling around the oval
I do contemplate

Training
Standing in grandstand
The oval green, shouted at
By Corps Commander

//alternate form

Standing in grandstand
The oval green, I do hear
Ate Malaine's shout

Back Lobby
A pillar of gray
Several bags are on ground
I sit guarding them

When You Face The Ombudsman, It's To Its Left
Please smell our damned creek
Floats like the smoke of hot fire
The smell of wormwood

Since mine was complete.

I'll skip everything up until COCC training. That's the interesting part.

4:15 pm - I was rushing to get myself in PE Uniform. Knowing that Ate Malaine will be extremely strict today, I ran to the Grandstand. I got there at 4:30 sharp, only to find out that she had already oriented them on what to bring next week. Nameplate, COCC pin, three ballpens of the same brand (red, black, blue), and the black tickler. The COCC pin will (hopefully) be bought by Claud. Expenses on me.

I don't know what time this was because I wore no watch (we weren't allowed to do so) - We were then told to line up by gender and height. Naturally, girls up front. After we've gotten ourselves sorted, the basics were given:

1. fall out - essentially means "get to the back to the Grandstand". More formal definition would be "get out of my sight".
2. humanay - make 3 lines unless less than 9 people. I always fail this one.
3. The strict stand (I don't know how to spell it in Tagalog) - Hands on the side of the ass, feet together at heels and spread out at a 45 degree angle. Face should look straight. Eyes shouldn't twitch. NEVER LOOK AT YOUR CO.
4. strict sit - Indian sit. Arms straight and at knees.
5. at ease - Relax. Applies for both standing and sitting positions.
6. salute - Two counts. Arm first jerks up at midwaist level then proceeds to fore-sidehead area. If wearing glasses, middle finger is over tip of eyeglass frame. If no glasses, then finger is over right tip of right eyebrow. Thumb must be hidden at all times. Back of hand facing front.

I won't go through the other stuff because this post will become a sucky COCC 101. Anyways, overall it was very fun. Even if it is painful and tiring. After all, Ate Malaine's speed test on commands was a sight to behold. Ro-anne almost got those 5 merits. Oh well. She probably has more merits than me anyways.

What I'm noticing today though is the ridiculously large amount of emo people today. Srsly guys, being emo after the Retreat?! Have you learned nothing?! Probably yeah, but still.

In the event of this "sad wave", I'll be opening myself up for talking to. I can't stand anyone having problems. I also can't stand doing nothing about them. Therefore, if you have a problem, come to me or Ma'am Kiel, preferably the latter. I'm almost always free after school (except Mondays and Tuesdays, COCC training). Plus, I'm online all night (literally) but only awake from 6:50 pm to 12:00 am. If you need to talk online, my YM! is yakumo_inc. I'll be glad to take a problem (since I always do HW at last min.).

If you have further questions, then please comment. Otherwise, I will now end this post with this:

Fucking snap out of it!

I loved it.

At first glance, it appeared that the only worthwhile thing there would be palanca giving.

I was very very wrong.

This will be from my POV and the Evangelical POV, so yeah.

The activities were actually pretty awesome. Not just because they were fun, but because they could be applied to any faith. I appreciate finding common ground.

We had talks concerning depression, career, and love life. The first and last affected me the most. Not because I may be a typical adolescent, but because I've dealt with what career to go to already.

It turns out, my definition of "depression" is flawed. Let me expound on that. My form of "depression" is when I seclude myself and my emotions not because I am hurt, but because I need the proper conditions to become wiser. So, in a sense, the symptoms of my depression phases are the same with ordinary depression. However, the reason and result of me being depressed is different. I do it in order to feel the pain and suffering and in turn, gain wisdom from such experiences.

My career is pretty set up already. After all, I want to create stuff, right?

The talk on love life was the challenge to me. I, who took an oath to celibacy, now have the most obvious obstacle to the oath: my crushing. I asked the facilitators this one question (which, unsurprisingly, surprised everyone):

"Which is the better choice? To keep on loving the one who God sent for you, or to abandon mutual love in order to pursue the path of God's will?"

The facis were speechless. They did not know how to go about it until they consulted a bible. Even so, it was the pastor who made the answer I was looking for. Try answering the question above, and then comment in your answer.

This morning, during the prayer session, I did what many may think unthinkable: I cried. For two hours, nonetheless. I cried about 3 things, two mainly focusing on myself. The first one was that I cried for regretting the possibility that I may never properly mend my friendship with someone very important to me. The second one was regretting the fact that no matter what we do, mankind still strays from the way of salvation. The third one was hoping that God may use me as an instrument in order to repent for my own guilt and for the guilt of humanity. I know, deep and idealistic. But those were my true thoughts, and I shall stick to them.

With that, I made my second oath: "I may be in eternal sadness, in eternal pain, may the world and mankind damn me for what I do, as long as at least a soul goes to heaven because of what I've done, then I'm satisfied."

Throughout the whole day, I have been considering into going to Depression Phase II. After all, my vow to celibacy caused Phase I. I needed another phase in order to affirm my present vow. That's the reason why I had a very irritable disposition this morning. It may seem easy to please me, but making me truly happy is another story. That's where my ultra-choleric side kicks in. It'd be hard to stop me at that time.

By the time we got back to Pisay though, God saves my day. Remember Reason to Cry 1? I managed to start off mending that friendship. Hopefully, through God's guidance, I'll be friends again with the person, just as I had before. And if I manage to succeed, the Crying Reasons 2 & 3 will be relieved too. If I am competent enough to heal a friendship, then I'd be good enough to heal the world, right?

Depression Phase II can wait. For now, let me enjoy life, as wisdom isn't only obtained through suffering alone. Sometimes, happiness shows that even amidst the darkness of the world, experiencing such joy will be one's motivation to continue living.

A quote to start the story of Steins;Gate:

"Infinite: The universe has a beginning, but not an end.
Finite: Stars also have a beginning, but perish by the power they possess.
History tells us: it is those who possess intelligence that are the greatest of all fools.
Fish, living in the sea, know not the world of land. If they possessed intelligence, they too would perish.
For fish to begin living on land is ridiculous; humans surpassing the speed of light, even more so.
Let this be considered God's final warning to those who defy Him."

Translation courtesy of velocity7.

The Tale of Life

Part I: Syntax //Poems2. Interlude 1: Parabel von das Vergessen Spender [Parable of the Forgotten Donor]
3. Interlude 2: Ein Alt Mann’s Weihnachten Geschenk [An Old Man's Christmas Gift]5. Codic Reply 1: Maboroshi [Illusion]
6. Interlude 3: Panzerschmitt [Tank Smith]
7. Codic Reply 2: Unmei no Tobira [Door of Fate]9. Conclusive 1: Tian Tang de Hua Yu [Heaven's Words]
2. Time Engine
a. Chelovecheskuyu Logiku [Human Logic]
b. Koleso Sud’by [Wheel of Fate]
c. Kot Shredingera [Schrodinger's Cat]
d. Kompleks Rubika [Rubik's Complex]
e. Fryeidist•skoi Psihologii [Freudian Psychology]
f. Lolita [Lolita Complex]
g. L’amore non corrisposto [Unrequited Love]
h. Speranza [Hope]
i. Peccato [Sin]
j. Giustizia [Justice]
k. Morale [Morals]
l. Esistenza [Existence]9. Space Generator
a. Feu et L’eau [Fire and Water]
b. Percevoir [Perceive]
c. Gung-geug-ui Hyeonsil [Ultimate Reality]
d. Ganeungseong [Possibility]

I think it would be extreme processing capability (aka super-fast and unaided calculation). It'd make me whole lot better in Math and Physics. It will also be very helpful in my aim in Quantum Physics.

Note: Sorry for the late post. I couldn't blog for the past week. Plus, my sickness prevented me from moving, so yeah.

Obviously, I started the day by waking up and taking a bath. Then, Sean and I had a few complications of getting out of Pisay. I had to go to the flob, get the permit from Cat, and then go back to the dorm.

The trip was not that significant. We got there at around 8 o'clock, and then had a bit of fun. Paulo brought out some poker cards and then started playing. By 9, we still haven't started yet. The fun began by then.

1. The theme for the motion was, Did You Matterload!!!!! O_O (No really, the emoticon and the extra exclamation points were there)
2. We were Opening Government. I was Prime Minister (aka Very First Speaker).
3. I was undertime fail. In fact, all of my PM roles had undertime fail.
4. We were also up against Mela and May-anne (they were Closing Opposition).
5. We kicked ass! (Well, not Southridge's [?] but yeah)
6. We got 2nd place!

I liked that motion. Pretty memorable one actually. Our adj though... I couldn't remember his name. Oh well.

In summary... Oh wait, there was another event. Opening Night.

We got back to Pisay (with a stowaway, namely Julian) at around 4 pm. I changed into the best suit I had (aka School Uniform) and rushed like a chicken to random places. Sean wasn't going so yeah. Eventually I managed to sort everything out with the dorm and my Tito.

Opening Night was so-so. I mean, we were the 2nd ones to get there! Niboe was 1st. It was pretty amusing. The opening speech was boring, although we made a bet to Niboe of 1K if he would raise a POI against the speaker (he didn't). The food was good. After eating, I waited for around an hour until my Tito and Tita arrived. Once I got there, I slept.

Basically, that was the start of the tournament. Wild, wacky, and fun. But trust me, that's nothing to compared to what's ahead.

P.S.: I think now's the time for me to return to my past. After all, looking back is always important, now isn't it?

SERIOUS NOTE: WTF?!!!!! MICAH'S MISSING?!

Aaaah... This day was almost a wreck. Then again, I worry too much.

I shall not state what my mind was in the morning because it was crap. It was resolved anyway in a pretty plain manner, so I'm fine.

1st Round of Final Practice: This house will not allow Catholic schools to expel its pregnant students.

• I liked where it was set up (the Philippines, duh) because it was to my advantage :p (I'm Opposition)
• I liked my speaker role. (Last speaker: Extend Extend Extend...)
• Lance C. was f-king hilarious.
• EVERYONE (Lance C. Lance Y. Mela, Mayanne, Paulo, and Jeks) but Justin, Sean, Arnold, and I gave overtime speeches. (aka surpassing 7 min and 30 sec)
• Titus was timing and was grateful every time someone DID NOT go overtime.
• I finally gained enough confidence in giving out a good manner of speech.
• My first idea was good, but it wasn't elaborated.
• My second idea was a shitty rehash (recap), but I still made it sound awesome.

Lunch~ I ate it early. Then I talked to Buko for a bit, then went to the place where it all started: the Topaz Rock.

Ah, memories. I still remember those good old times. We claimed it as our spot. I made extravagant claims just to try and preserve harmony. We ate there as a class too. It persisted until 2nd year. I don't know where it all went now.

At least the core was still there. Marj, Candy, Hannah, and Ro-anne were eating and telling various stories and other matters. Ro-anne needed to deliver some money, Candy and the rest of Robo were going to watch REC, and Marj and Hannah were their usual selves. It really felt like the old days.

After an hour or so, I went to the photocopier in order to do Step 2 in fulfilling my goal for the 3rd year: COCC. I got an application form XD! All I have to do is to fill it out. Afterwards, I went straight to the GRHA to continue training. In the lib we found a sleeping Cat (not a cat, that Cat) and an empty room. I stayed by the air conditioning until Mike (Serquina) came with donuts (Go Nuts). I was too shy to take a donut at that time because the plastic and box was sealed. When we managed to collect many people together, I took a donut and started prepping with Lance C.

2nd Round of Final Practice: This house believes that the AU will allow former rebels to join peacekeeping forces:

• Ah, Africa. My territory! +_+ (My matter brief!)
• It was very interesting, actually. Titus and Lance Y. had to Ironman (Lemme explain: A team is normally composed of two people. Since we lacked to people to be in Opening Opposition and Closing Government, Titus and Lance Y., respectively, had to do the burdens of both people.)
• I was Op Whip (Last speaker, AGAIN =)).
• Titus (as second speaker) was constantly claiming that he had an invisible partner. (Who was, of course, himself.)
• Lance C. once again made a hilariously sensible speech.
• Cat forced me to take down notes. (I feel a bit more confident if I don't write down anything. However, since whipping needs analysis from everything everyone else said, I kinda needed it.)
• My ability as a whip was almost there, just not there yet. My manner was at least better than the previous training sessions I had last time. (Those were just shit.)

In the end, it was a very productive day. After training, I went back to the dorm to rest for a while. Then I went outside to walk. Met up with Don to talk about stuff. Met up with Golda and rest. Went back to dorm again. Went to caf to eat. Went back to small Strontium group circle. Saw my grades. Nagpakalasing (figuratively) kasama sina Marj, Candy, at Patty. And all in all, I had fun. This was the recharge I needed to get myself motivated for PSDC. Good luck to me then. I'll be noting everything that happened to me in the tournament, so don't worry.

P. S.: Holy shit. The PSDC was that extravagant?! I mean, 3 buffet dinners all throughout the 4 day tournament! WTF?! =))

After one whole yesterday in the dark, I could finally go online again. Not that my day was wasted though.

3:00 am - My aircon shut down. For all I know, Santi hit us hard.

7:00 am - Yeah, Santi did hit hard. Power was lost in all sectors of the subdivision. My father said I can't go to training because of the storm. After eating breakfast, I texted Niboe and slept.

1:04 pm - Woke up. Niboe texted back saying, "Moved to 12nn". Well, crap. I really wouldn't make it by that time. Might as well pass the day away.

1:20 pm - Lunch.

2:00 pm - Tinkered with my old (but highly functional) watch. I'm gonna use it for the PSDC.

4:00 pm - Re-read my entire manga collection.

7:00 pm - Dinner.

7:30 pm - Went to 5th floor of the house to get some air. Realized that looking at the moon directly will cause weird hallucinations. Also saw that only our block wasn't powered back. Danced in the night while listening to my MP3.

10:00 pm - Slept.

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That might as well count as a day well-spent, right? I practically forgot the fact that I left 12 tabs of Firefox on to do my matter brief. Time to cram, or else Cat will kill me.